Welcome to my surgery journey!

3 Weeks before surgery:

This is my first entry for this "logbook". Here I will log feelings, thoughts an emotions throughout My journey of getting bottom surgery. This is not filtered or edited so I might ramble a bit. I'm writing this page / part or whatever you want to call it today, to describe my first panic attack related to this surgery. My thoughts are filled with doubts that I'm trans. Doubts that what I am doing is the "right" thing. I had some friends talk to me about these feelings to help me. I am scared. I will regret this. If this story turns out with a happy ending, this means if you feel similar it's okay. Others seem to have felt like this too. My chest feels like it's hurting, my chest is tight. I think, these feelings that my dysphoria might be fake feel so intense because, I don't have therapy while transitioning and little support from people irl. Thank you for reading.

2 Weeks before surgery:

I stopped hormones a few days ago. I feel really emotional and tired. My dysphoria seems to be getting worse. I get hot and cold constantly. I crave random foods and break down emotionally a lot. Generally my depression seems worse but I guess this is expected?

10 Days before surgery:

I feel like my relationships, esp. the ones with some of my trans friends are very strained. I got my visa approved today, but my health insurance seems to not be able to work on its incompetence and get the sick leave note saved into their system. Also, some of my trans friends however seem to be jealous of me which is understanding, but it's hard to find someone to support me during this time. I don't blame them being jealous or not wanting to talk about the topic. My fiancée which is trans seems to feel similar. It's very hard to get support from my cis friends cause they usually respond with "it's your choice" and "you can always not do this" apart from a few exceptions of really good friends. I am not good at processing emotions like this. I feel somewhat alone. Nobody seems to understand what I mean when I say that I don't know what to expect. It's not that I'm scared about the surgery, I'm scared about making the wrong decision. I have gone through a lot in my life and I think it can't be too bad right? I got the time off until the surgery is done. I hope I can get everything sorted until then. Dawn out :)

3rd of June, 6 Days before surgery:

I am currently laying in bed kinda scared and anxious, I really don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing but that's not what scares me anymore. A bit of a roundup: I have autism and I'm scared that I'm leaving tomorrow and I have no idea what to do once I'm in the country (obviously they sent me notes what to do but u know like once I'm in the hospital) Also I don't have internet yet. I decided on an Internet provider called ASL. There is a station for it close to the hospital. Also I wish I would've exchanged some money for taxis. I made a bank account with Thai Bhat today and added 11k THB to it. Let's see how this will go. I guess tomorrow I’m heading out and I'll write more into here. I hope this will go okay. Packing is going well. Packing a lot of tech because I'm alone and wanna have something to keep me company

4th of June, 5 days before surgery:

Morning:

So I'm leaving soon… I'm not too scared. I'm mostly feeling a bit fuzzy inside by now. The panic about other people and a new country has gone down too. I will just enjoy my business class flights today.

Evening:

Everything went into total chaos. Airplane was cancelled but I wasn’t told it was just rebooked and the compensation for the ticket I booked doesn’t offer wifi meaning I cant talk to my fiancée. Am frustrated and exhausted, sitting in the lounge now to catch my second flight. Had to go a long way in Frankfurt and I'm not in the best shape. Obligatory food and airplane class pics below (first flight). The lounge in Nürnberg was also a joke. Didn’t take pictures to not harass anyone don’t like it when people do that anyway.

First flight, IMO not worth the 1000 EUR I paid for just that flight.

First flight, IMO not worth the 1000 EUR I paid for just that flight.

Sitting down with some coffee now. I just hope the flight back wont go this way.

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Boarded the main flight (FRA-Thailand). Im enjoying my ride. Thai airways is very accommodating I asked the airline staff if they could address me as Miss as I'm trans and they said no problem. They were curious if im going to Thailand because of pride month and I told them I’m going for SRS. They wished me the best of luck. Generally staff on this flight seems polite but mostly speak English and Thai. Which is fine for me. I’m generally just lonely and bored. Hope my steamdeck can help alleviate that. Boarding went smoothly tho! Check below for the seat n stuff. They also gave me a bag with a bunch of goodies and a warm towel before takeoff. Imma enjoy this :). I just had to use the restroom. Never seen a so spacious restroom in my life on an airplane. I could do a skirt spin in there without touching the walls (okay maybe its not that big but u know). I'm starting to get excited for the surgery. This trip so far feels like a proper vacation and after not taking one for more than half a year I deserved it :).

First food was crab cake with chillie sauce. Very good food.

Second course. Maybe I should've said I don’t like asparagus woops Anyway its nom time I guess :)

Since the war in the Ukrain is still ongoing (the one with russia) as I’m writing this we’re taking a bit of a detour over Budapest. Anyway pretty interesting flight route very turbulent rn. I’m feeling like im on a kids rollercoaster lol.

Next up chicken curry with an omelette, this is nice. I feel like this is becoming a bit of a travel blog rn lol. Probably gonna stay like this for a few days :)

Next course: cheez and crackers. No idea why I said yes to it... I don’t like cheese aaaaaa. I feel like skipping the last course and just laying down. Today was exhausting and I wanna take a nap. I'll wait until they clear my table then I'll brush my teeth and go sleep :)

Welp one last thing: they just assumed I wanted dessert so here is it: Just opted out of the tea :)

I got to snap a few pictures of the bathroom. Was brushing my teeth got a hot towel after this with put me in a relaxation mood.

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Y’all have a really good evening now. Dawn is gonna snooze fr now

5th of June, 4 Days before surgery:

Good morning. I'm starting to kind of enjoy this to be quite honest: writing these texts. Gives me something to look forward to and like something to focus on I guess. I just woke up. Its around 9 am in Bangkok and we are scheduled to at 12:30. The night was kind of rough. There were multiple babies in first class and they kept whining with every turbulence keeping me awake. No offense, but I don’t quite get why people take their small kids with them. Ill do my morning routine now. You know brush teeth and all. Also there is a crap ton of people coughing. I'm going to assume they didn’t drink enough water. Remember: airplane ACs produce quite dry air. Hydration is key :) Okay so I played some games. Feeling okay. Just wish I had internet right now to talk to people. Gets a bit boring at the moment. Also I need to contact the clinic on landing somehow. Im not sure they saw that my flight got delayed. The whole delay makes this a lot more complicated. I will potentially just take the penalty for surfing in another country and waste some money on data on touchdown :) God Im bored. Internet right now would be dope. It’s around 10:47 in Bangkok so a little less than 2 hours before touchdown. Asking myself when they start catering. Gonna assume they’ll turn on the lights around 11 but now idea how that works. They just turned on the lights like 5 minutes after I wrote this. I’ll keep y’all updated about the food :) Food was good. They served lots of shit and asked if we wanted coffee. I really enjoyed it.

Just noticed that one of my glasses nose pads broke. This kinda sucks. The glasses are still comfortable though so I’ll just roll without it until Im home. I’d imagine u can just order replacements and have it replaced here too but whatever. Landed went through customs, people at customs were nice and I cleared the border control without issues. I met up with them at gate 3 if was first confused how I’d know which exit gate which is but my thick brain didn’t realize its right above the doors. They weren’t there waiting for me like they said, however due to the flight being all over the place scheduling wise that was expected. Gave them a call and they came in around 25 minutes. Saw someone being picked up for Suporn there. Kinda funny that could’ve been me that they wanted to pick up but I chose Chettawut. Overall the car for the pickup is interesting. Seat belts seem broken and it’s a small toyota. I don’t mind though. Generally the staff is friendly so far and they speak English well enough. Overall most people in thailand speak english pretty decently although this is my impression after 1 hour so milage may vary lol. Heading to the hotel now. Excited to meet the staff I’ll work with. I got a phone contract at the airport. Decided on 4g since I don’t need 5g speeds which was around 999 thb per 30 days. A bit overpriced (there is cheaper ones) but I wanted something quick and easy and just decided not to save (also considering I had to call the staff I think it was a good call) The plan has unlimited data with the 4g network for 30 days. Arrived at the hospital and I’m in my room. The room looks nice. Bed is a bit hard but makes sense. Shower and everything has emergency pull cords and the staff is super friendly. They make you sign some paperwork and u can access ur floor via a keycard. Generally the hotel staff seems nice the nurses greeted me with a smile. I had to also fill out a contact form for the case of an emergency.See below for some pictures of the room. For the days while ur in the hospital you’re only supposed to eat clear drinks (the days before surgery) and after the surgery for a week too. Also only soft food. They just mostly serve soup.My room seems to have a dedicated wifi access point which is cool. Honestly I really like the stay so far and the whole experience.Below are some pics of the rooms and forms I had to sign :)

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Gonna lay down a bit and relax after unpacking so this might be my last entry for today. Unpacked just now. The wifi credentials are on the back of the id card they give you. The wifi is stupidly fast like 300 - 400 mbps up. Genuinly suprized. So I did a speedtest. Seems like it's symmetrical 500 mbit down / up. I'ma gonna cry I don't even have those speeds at home.

Just had my last nice meal for a while. From tomorrow, on its only soft food and then on the day before surgery only liquids. I'm exhausted and will probably pass out soon. I kinda feel in good hands here. Still slightly worried but it'd better now that I’m here

6th of June, 3 Days before surgery:

I just got up and I'm exhausted still. Assuming it’s the jetlag. I forgot to bring soap but I also know that I need to use a special one today because I'm seeing the doctor. The food is served from 7 - 8 am and the first few days are going to be a bland diet same for after the surgery. The soup was alright and I had some apple juice with it. Generally they ask u what kind of juice you’d like and I recommend getting juice just to get some extra energy with the sugar.

Ill go the nurses office on my floor and ask if they maybe can give me the soap so I can get ready and if they have some other soap I could buy / get. This section was written by her fiancée, Alex, by dictation as she's tired today. Irregularities may exist and is the nature of dictations. Transcriber has attempted to faithfully write the intentions of Dawn with as little biases as possible. In terms of full disclosure, Alex is a registered nurse licensed in the United States I got the soap fine. They brought it to me after I requested it, with some hand soap and shampoo. Smells pretty fine, standard soap. Generally speaking, I'm just really tired and jet lagged at the moment. I was picked up by the nurse around 9:30; schedule was 9AM, but I think they had some problems. I was then brought down where someone checked my blood pressure and oxygen, had me sign a whole bunch of forms and gave me the psychological evaluation letters (transcriber note: Dawn did the psych evals virtually with Thai psychiatrists before flying out). I was then guided to another doctor's office where they gave me a food plan. After that, the doctor explained the medication plan which involves a lot of laxatives and me shitting my brains out over the next few days which is gonna be fun.

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Afterwards, they guided me upstairs to go see Chettawutt. The room kinda looked like the backrooms. I think its mainly staff backrooms where you're not supposed to go as a patient. They guided me to a couch where I sat for a bit while they went over the dilation routine as well as the preparation before surgery page

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After which I waited another 20 - 30 minutes. I saw Chettawut and he took pictures of my face. He instructed me to take off my pants and stand against the wall where he took pictures of my penis. He then instructed me to lie on a examination table where he took more pictures of my penis while laying down and then instructed me to lift up my scrotum and took pictures of that as well. After that, he told me a few things about how the surgery procedure will go, which portions of skin he'll use for different portions of the vagina and then he instructed me that he will use the skin graft technique for the interior parts and there's some exterior parts around 4 cm which will be thicker and may have some small amounts of hair in it. After all that, he explained to me what the benefits of colon vaginoplasty was, which was mainly lubrication. And then he told me that its just more expensive and the skin is slightly more thick and can be less problematic / unlikely with a gastric rip. I still decided on the skin graft because I prefer the general tissue location and where it comes from and I heard some problematic stories about colon vaginoplasty. After that, they guided me downstairs where they first made me pay 15 THB / 0.40 EUR (an outstanding balance) and took a COVID-19 test. They took a nasal and mouth swab which AFAIK was a PCR test and then guided me back to my room. After which I ordered some soup and then ordered some coke and noticed potentially there might be a problem with the Food Panda app and there being a language barrier. But generally the food from the front desk (collection of soups) is quite okay. Even with the staff the language barrier can be annoying… I’m really jetlagged and tired. Also Dawn here again. I wanted to note that the depth seems to depend if there is scar tissue that is connecting the bladder and other intestines that have to be “cut out of the way” to make the vagina. The penis is pretty much almost fully used for different bits including the foreskin. Dialation works like this: put some lube on a finger and push the finger in until u reach the area where it switches to skin graft (supposedly u can feel when it does) after which u put a lot of lube on the dialator and insert it straight in. I hope this notebook helps someone out there with this surgery and deciding on if they want to get it or not. I really miss solid foods at the moment. I bought some coke to keep my blood sugar up but my body wants solids. I guess this is going to suck for a while but that’s okay. I'll just have to bear with this :/ Other than that I'm doing okay. Jetlag is kinda killing my sleep schedule. I really hope that these few days pre surgery go over soon. Its 2 am and I can't sleep. I'm very hungry. Also the blankets texture is really annoying me maybe I should’ve brought my own blanket like something thicker / comfier. I saw there was an Ikea close by maybe I should check it out…

7th of June, 2 Days before surgery:

I really need some time for myself by now. Like for me with the people I care about. People who tell me that they wish they could do it by now make me feel an odd kind if survivor’s guilt. It's not their fault but yeah… the diet is making me feel hungry constantly. Getting the soda was the right call just to have some kind of energy source. It's time to be honest with myself. That I need time with myself and yeah, focus on this. I might not write a lot in here apart from occasional thoughts until its surgery time. Sorry I just need some time. I really regret that I didn't eat something else as my last food. The clear liquid diet is kinda getting to me. Also I'll have to take my first set of laxative pills soonish (like in 50 minutes). Was told they take around 50 minutes to activate. Next time I'm having soup I'll just ignore it getting cold and slurp it really slowly. No need to rush to be quite honest and maybe it'll help me feel less hungry. I'm hoping that I'll be able to continue to write on this post surgery but to be realistic I might go dark for a few days post-surgery. I'll try to keep the thoughts I had in the moment as close to me as possible but no promises there will be any text until the packing is removed (on the 16th). We shall see how fast I can recover to be able to write again on this. I really think this will help people orient themselves on what to expect with surgery however. Maybe it gives people a bit of a warning too… a warning to not eat fucking Mc D's as a last meal ;-;

8th of June, 1 Day before surgery:

CW: Talking about poop

I have to take the saline solution soon (which is a solution to like empty the bowels). Taking the laxatives yesterday and the syringe felt weird. My hunger is a lot less now like a lot less. Generally I feel better but still somewhat weird. Also just took my piercings out and like they started bleeding for some reason x.x I guess they were slightly infected. This will probably mean I'll have to get them redone once I'm back in Germany but I guess it's a small price to pay and it's not like I do this every week. Generally speaking however: I do not look forward to taking the solution but there is nothing I can do. My poop (gross topic I know) is pretty much only liquid now with some soft bits inside which I guess are parts of my bowels that weren't cleaned out by the salt solution I shot up there the other day. Also that felt really weird but I feel oddly clean inside my stomach right now. Hard to describe to be quite honest. I'll likely mix up some Electrolyte power with some water to get an electrolyte solution now and take the solution. Also look below for laundry prices (if you are curious).

Overall I'm not to worried. Okay it's time to drink the solution now :) The solution tasted disgusting. Kind of smelled like vodka then tasted oddly sweet but gooey and then really bitter suddenly. I hated that taste. I will see how long it takes to kick into effect. Around 20 minutes after I took the solution I feel really sick. I really wish I could puke right now. Generally I just feel like garbage this is probably one of the worst times I've felt, while not being sick (kinda feels like I'm hung over from drinking, for 3 days now). Hope the slight headache goes away once I can eat solid food again. We shall see how this goes :) Pro tip: do not shave around your butt hair if u have any before u take the laxatives. The acidity + small potential cuts from shaving there will make shit burn like hell. Also small thing I forgot to note yesterday: They are using two different kinds of skin like mentioned and the first around 4 cm might have some hair in it. Getting this hair removed is done during surgery. However: When removing the hair there might be slight amounts left. These can be removed but you should wait around 1 year. They will be mostly around the entrance of the hole too. The laxatives just make you feel really exhausted and tired overall. I just really want some solid food right now. It's kind of like me peeing from my poop shoot. I really don't look forward to the second bottle of laxatives but honestly there isn't much I can do about it. It's a small sacrifice but generally I get dysphoric from using the restroom so yeah.

9th of June, Day of surgery:

I was just brought to another room. I'm all kinds of nervous. Two nurses shaved the surgical site and like told me to wash myself down there then left. I'm just a nervous wreck right now. I'm so grateful for the people who support me through this even if it's just people online. This will likely be my last entry pre surgery. I see you all on the other site.

13th of June, 4 days after surgery:

I want to note a few things: I didn't write in here for a while since I didn't have access to my laptop to write These are recountings from what happened but these recountings are based on what I told to friends and family at that time. I tried to be honest esp. with my trans friends since many of them are looking at me for considering if they want this surgery. So to recount the days I didn't write here. I woke up exhausted barely able to see, the wakeup room is quite spacious and there was the anesthesiologist who was just getting up to leave. He saw I woke up and said he's going home. Generally before surgery they wheel you into a surgery room and give you a white anesthetic in your IV and you pass out super-fast. It's like a time skip. I was really scared the last few minutes before surgery and shaking a ton. The surgical nurse sat down next to me and showed me pictures of the pride event they had at the hospital the day before that I couldn't attend. The nurses in this hospital are a blessing. They are the most kind souls I've seen in a while and they love to joke. I brought a fidget cube with me to the ICU/ post-surgical unit and the nurses who prepped me for surgery started playing around with it and said it feels nice to click in your hands. Anyways once u get the anesthetic you feel like your brain is growing over with weeds and everything goes black. It's the best explanation I can give. After that you wake up. Your vision will be blurry and you can't move your legs or upper body. It's kind of like that opening scene from metal gear solid 5. I slowly regained consciousness and the anesthesiologist who was a really cool person just said his goodbyes and said everything went well. After that I tried to move a bit and the nurse came up to me and said I should rest and that it would take 2 hours until I'd get put into the other room. After that my memory is very fuzzy but I remember looking up again and the 2 hours were over and I was wheeled back. Once in the room I was given my phone and could contact my relatives relatively pretty easily. Also you won't feel your legs for a while. This is due to an epidural nerve block they put into your spine that blocks all pain but causes ur legs to go numb. (see pic below of what it looks like)

Generally you wake up with very little pain. This pain will increase for a bit then decrease. I talked with my fiancee a bit. I was really happy I could do that but just passed out right afterwards. The next day I felt a lot of pain and I could barely sleep. I told the nurses that the pain was there and they first gave me some pain meds but since it didn't improve they gave me a morphine shot. That shot pretty much just made me pass out. Generally the pain feels like someone kicked your balls into your skin and it kind of sucks. I still feel that pain but you get used to it after a while. Also you can feel the catheter and drainage tubes and they feel all kinds of weird. I would say the general feeling I felt during these days however is no regret. Just pure happiness I felt like I was finally free and I still do. I think I have never laughed and smiled as much as I do right now. They also attach leg massagers to your legs after the first day. Those things get quite annoying but once you're allowed to walk they thankfully take those off. Generally the pain and boredom were my main problems. I spend the next 2 days suffering in pain and just watching videos on the TV. This is also how I currently kill time. I feel sleepy a lot due to the medication. Generally speaking it's just really exhausting. The next days will suck but remember this when I say it: The pain gets better and it's not the ending of the world kinda bad. It's bearable and you'll mostly spend your time bored or resting. Find someone to talk to on discord or bring a loved one. This is my main regret, that I didn't bring anyone to talk to. At the end of the first day Chettawut talked to me. He said the surgery was a full success and there were no complications. This made me insanely happy. He also explained to me how the recovery will work. Generally speaking I will say this AGAIN: eat some good food for your last meal and not any soup. You'll eat soup for pretty much an entire week and it sucks ass. I just had my first meal that I had to actually like chew a bit (mashed potatoes but still) and it was the best fucking food I ever had. Day 2 after recovery I needed less morphine. On the first day I needed 2 shots and on the second day one shot was enough. Generally speaking morphine feels kinda different than I expected. It made me dizzy but it removed my pain thankfully. It also make me throw up a lot. Have tissues ready and make sure the nurses have something u can puke into. Your stomach won't like the diet, painkillers and general cocktail of meds you get until you're used to it. On day two a doctor came in, since I didn't have any estrogen with me and gave me estradiol gel. This made me insanely hyped since I was scared I might not have access to it but now know I do. Generally I spend my days talking to my fiancee all day long and like I said: don't panic too much about the pain. It will hurt. I won't sugarcoat it but it's fine. The second day in the evening they will pull your IV lines and the epidural catheter out of ur spine and the drainage tubes out of your stomach area. This sucks. The line in my back being pulled felt like someone pulling a nerve and the drainage tubes felt like someone is pulling some veins out of your skin. I just hated the feeling of them in there a lot. They'll also tell you to walk and help you get out of bed. This felt super nice. My back was very sore from lying in bed all day and I still enjoy every opportunity I get to walk. Also my dysphoria about my beard was setting in around this time too (ugh). I should also note that Chettawut checks in on you on day two again to make sure you're okay to discharge. They'll also show you how to empty your catheter bag around this time. After this you'll spend the next day (which is today) just chilling. I was told I'd walk in the morning but nobody came to help me so I didn't. At noon a doctor came along and gave me my medication plan (see above) and a bag of medication . I also had another doctor show up that gave me my certificate of bottom surgery (yaaaay) I'm generally still stoked and amazed I actually did this and I'm not in agonizing pain or regretting this. After that some nurses will guide you out of your room and ask you if u want a wheelchair (I said yes and I'd recommend it if u struggle walking and get dizzy from it like me). Then they'll wheel you into your room and then help you sit you down on your bed. After that they'll tell you about your food options, I asked for some gravy. I want to stress again here: the nurse staff is amazing. There is a language barrier sure but: they helped me keep my sanity. They're cheerful and make jokes and generally just feel like a good team that loves doing their job. I have read before that the doctors and the nurses don't care and honestly I don't see this being true. Both Chettawut and the nurses are insanely friendly and the amount of care I have gotten is more than I'd get from any European hospital I've been to. This will be my last entry for today since I'm tired from this long update. I hope I could fix some qualms for you. If you're worried about the pain: don't. It's alright. If you're worried about being bored: that's very valid but time will pass. Generally speaking it's hard for me to recall the days exactly since I'm still on pain medication and things get fuzzy. I hope I could alleviate some distress with this. I will talk again the day after tomorrow (probably) when packing is removed, except there is something I want to note here. Thanks so much

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4 Days post surgery:

I just woke up again really early in the morning (3:36 am), I really dislike this. Anyways just felt bad and decided to get up to clean my catheter bag. Honestly this is something I look forward to at the moment (getting up that is) I also saw that according to the official plan on the wall my catheter bag may stay until the 19th (which is next Monday). I guess this is the planned latest removal? I hope it gets removed the day after tomorrow but you never know. The catheter bag is just annoying and the feeling is also very annoying but I'll cope with it. Pain is always shit when u wake up in the middle of the night in between painkillers. The pain is really manageable at this point. The only thing bothering me is the catheter and that some of the surgical sites pulse from time to time. I think I'm just getting used to the general pain and that if I don't focus on it, it's kind of okay. Being in bed all day not doing much allows me to work through some of my mental health trauma of my past which brings up a lot of emotions that I both like and don't like. This makes this whole thing kind of sucky. It's like 11 am I hope that I get food soon, kind of getting hungry ;-;

5 Days post surgery:

I'm starting to get bored and depressed. Pain came back really badly today. I'm kind of managing but it feels like someone spilled boiling water into my crotch. Tomorrow they're taking the packing out which feels like a godsent. Also the whole fucking catheter bullshit feels like someone is constantly playing with my fucking urethra. Also one interesting thing I noticed today: I feel different while farting and I'm asking myself if that's maybe the case cause there is more "insulation" towards the prostate now. Will keep that in view. Could also just be the pain meds. Re: pain meds. I'm also really scared about getting addicted to them. I have a history with being addicted to smoking cigarettes so maybe this fear is a bit irrational but holy heck I just don't want to have to deal with this. Also my depression got a lot worse, like I just feel lonely and need social contact constantly now. Maybe it's just being in bed all day long and only having people to write to. I don't talk to many people IRL either so I don't know what it is. Generally though I want to note again how nice the nurses are. I'm happy I chose this hospital. This will likely be my last entry for today. Going to spill the beans how the packing removal tomorrow goesstay safe y'all.

6 Days post surgery:

Just had my vaginal packing removed. I honestly feel happier than I ever have in my entire life seeing my vagina. The pain from removing the packing was manageable. The Tape hurt a lot and then there was part of the packing that hurt a lot. Kind of someone slapping u in your crotch and like having that burning sensation. Most of the packing (which is like almost two hands full of gauze) inside of the vagina pulls out pretty easily. Generally speaking it just feels like someone is pulling a string out of your stomach. Not something I'd do voluntarily. Not something that hurts but it definitely something very uncomfortable. After that the nurse told me to relax and removed the other packing which burned a lot. Then they showed me how much lube to put on a dilator that was bigger than expected (kind of the size of a marker in width). After that they pushed it inside. It hurts a bit but generally just feels uncomfortable (like someone pushing a rod into you) I assume it's uncomfortable cause the numbing gel takes away some of the sensation and a lot of the nerves n shit aren't quite there yet for it to be pleasurable. Generally speaking I'm happy with the results. After that they showed me how to use pads, explained to change them every 6 hours or so and then realized they put the pads on my panties on backwards… oops. Oh well. They apologized, (I don't care not like I plan to go outside) and said I can shower again tomorrow. They also sold me some numbing gel for 200 bhat. I bought some cause I feel like it'll make initial dilation a lot less painful. I'm happy and the nurses were super careful and supporting. They really know what they're doing. Packing removal is going suck a bit again but like as long as u don't tense up too much and just breathe in and out and focus on your breathing it's going to be fine. See below for some pictures of how the Vagina looks like now. I might slow down my updates from now on a bit just FYI. Also I can finally eat normal food again just no spice :cry: Stay safe everyone.

CW: Nudity / Vagina.

Short update, maybe a bit of a TMI so if ur grossed out easily or eating skip this paragraph: Pooped the first time and it felt pretty much like there was an insulation layer on the side of my prostate now. Think that's likely due to the extra "insulation of skin" towards my prostate. Kinda neat :)

7 Days post surgery:

I dilated for a longer time for the first time just now. It's honestly fine. As long as you're really slow and careful when inserting the dilator it won't hurt a lot. It's legit just a slight discomfort, similar to anal sex (I assume this will just pass after a while). Generally speaking, I'm really happy with how this is turning out however. Below are some pics for reference what the dilator and doing it looks like :)

CW: Nudity / Vagina.

CW: Nudity / Vagina.

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July the 19th (10 days post op)

The catheter tube was just pulled out for me. It feels really weird. Feels like someone is pulling a tube out of your urethra. It's a really sensitive part of your body and u need to relax for them to be able to pull it out which sucks. But I'm happy it's finally out. Generally speaking it just burns like hell and now it just hurts slightly (it's like a UTI and it just burns). I didn't mind this experience too much. Again really short term pain to get somewhere I want to be. Happy that all the tubes and everything is out now though. Finally the vagina is exactly how it's supposed to be. Free :3 Just peed for the first time. As expected it feels weird and burns a bit at the end (again, kind of like an UTI) but like it's so fucking weird. Imagine u pee with your penis but instead of the pee coming out of your penis it suddenly shoots our somewhere else. I feel like this will take a while to get used to. I legit was confused cause I thought it'd shoot out a lot higher and like straight but it shoots out more like slightly backwards? Generally this is super-duper weird but interesting for me. Also seeing myself in the mirror without my penis for the first time and no catheter is weird. It looks oddly natural but like something is missing? I can't describe it well but it just feels like something is missing. I guess I'm just used to my penis being there by default and now it's just gone. I don't feel sad about this. I feel genuinely happy but it's confusing when I look at myself. I also ordered some Dominos. Their fucking lava cake was killer. Genuinely just entertaining myself by writing to people, watching videos and just relaxing. Going to continue this way. Don't be too scared about the catheter removal btw, it'll be over quickly. Chugging a lot of water is kind of uncomfortable. I should also note that where the catheter was adhered to my stomach the skin got rubbed raw. Kinda hurts like shit but whatever (kinda like a chemical burn). I also will add more pics below on the current state of recovery and how my little princess now looks while standing. Still love it. Looks kinda cute imo :3

CW: Nudity / Vagina.

You can see the spot where the two drainage tubes were (top two holes) and the top spot where my stomach got rubbed raw (the one where iodine is on my tummy). Hope everything heals up nicely and without scars. I'm happy with how everything looks right now already.

July the 21st

Small recommendation: Buy the medicine via the Pandamart App. It's a lot cheaper. Same goes for pads. I ordered a bunch of like "useful items" but generally I should've probably stocked up on them beforehand. You can get the paracetamol at pandamart a lot cheaper than at the hospital, same goes for pads and you can just have it delivered to the hospital. I hope they bring it up cause it was quite a big order. (Note from future Dawn here: They brought it up in the end) Anyways, recovery is going well. Today I did the 1 hour 30 minute dilation which was pure hell, not because it hurts (though it does hurt at the very tip of the dilator a bit). The biggest issue was just that I had to sit there for 1 hour 30 minutes with 1 less hand to do stuff. It's pretty boring. Though I want to say that it feels kind of good already? It's hard to describe but I try my best to not get turned on by it. Other than that pain has changed quite a bit. I have more of a burning sensation a lot now, which kind of sucks but I can manage. I just take two paracetamol, four times a day and it's pretty okay after that. Recovery of the vag is doing well, some stitching is dissolving now which feels weird and hurts a bit. Anyway that was everything I wanted to add for today. Dawn out :3

June the 23rd

Just a small entry. Did dilation on my own for the first time. Pain is manageable but exists. I can stand for longer durations now, the primary cause of pain is really the nerves reconnecting and shit. Also after dilation my insides feel a bit "sore" I guess? Hard to describe the feeling. Feels like I had a butt plug in for an hour. Other than that, dilation on my own works fine, it's slightly more painful if u do it multiple times a day but I can cope. I'm feeling great though. My biggest problem is my wrist losing mobility due to a ganglion cyst in it that I should really get removed at some point and the weird angle I have to hold the dialator at. Alas, not now. Anyway just wanted to give a short update :) I think another pain point is the time difference is really annoying. Around 4-5 PM nobody is there anymore because everyone is going to bed. And while I understand people need sleep (duh) it's annoying cause I like talkies. Also my dysphoria has been a bit worse lately. Think it's due to not wearing makeup and just my dysphoria of my face being worse again. But overall it's really cool Also took a picture of the insides of my vag today. Not gonna put them here since everyone I showed them to panicked quite a bit. Shows the stitching inside the vagina and the rosiness of the actual skin in there. Also shows that it seems like I actually seem to be slightly wet in there (which is interesting). Anyway stay strong ya'll

June the 25th:

I feel kind of garbage. My vag started hurting more… I feel like that it's the stitching dissolving. The nurses are saying that it's healing well though. Also somewhere deep inside me (where the dilator ends), I can feel the pressure that the dilator puts there a longer time after dilation now. I feel like that might be because my hole is stretched for such a long time. I don't know. Generally though I feel okay. Tonight has just been a pure nightmare. Been having bad dreams and stuff, I feel like the healing is inhibiting with my ability to rest well but I can cope. I mean I spend all day in bed right now so it's fine. Okay I think that's it for today! Oh also before I forget…. I'm kind of sick of ordering in. Like I've eaten all kitchens already I don't know. I don't feel like eating a lot anymore but I know I should. Also I feel really dysphoric about my body contours today but like I feel like I just need laser to get rid of that. Okay that's it thanks ya'll

June the 29th:

I just ordered some more medication and lube. I feel in pretty bad pain since the last few days. Also I keep finding little strings when wiping or peeing or like cleaning myself down there or during dilation. Update, got my meds and lube… ordered maybe a bit too much lube but whatever, I'll just take it home. I also might have gotten too much paracetamol. We will see but like there is still a lot of blisters left. Potentially I'll just take some home. Not like it's illegal to own in Germany or restricted in ownership over there. I also really don't feel well mentally. Had a mental break down a few days back. The whole trans rights bullshit hits harder when you just had irreversible surgery. I'm still super happy I did this but like… if something goes south with laws I'll be the first one lined up to be killed. Also I feel really tired towards food cause I order in every day. Just feels annoying. I want cook and make nice healthy shit. Oh god I sound like my parents lol but like for real… I just miss healthy, light food or just simple shit like bread with some ham on it or something. I don't know. I'm dilating on the larger size dilator now (10 minutes on #0, 40 minutes on #1) which feels kind of good. But hurts a lot longer afterwards. Not sure hurt is the right word for it TBQH… maybe more feels like someone tore me a second asshole which… is kinda true :P Anyway that's it for today. I just feel lethargic and can't wait to get home. Stay frosty

June the 30th:

Just a small update: bleeding has stopped and dilating with the biggest dilator has become a lot more comfortable. Also just noticed that I sometimes feel like I "sit wrong" which feels really uncomfortable. Also sleeping on the side is getting easier. Forgot to dilate yesterday evening almost because I fell asleep so I dilated at like 1 AM. Generally it's just really boring here but I am just talking to people to keep me entertained. Dilation is slowly just becoming a routine I form around daily activities (usually after meals). Makes it a lot easier for me.

July the 1st:

Just had my inspection with Chettawut. They also pulled some of my stitches and inspected everything down there for granulation. Everything went well but it hurt a bit when they pulled the stiches. Kinda feels like someone making a cut or incision and sometimes just feels like someone plucking a hair out. It's interesting but also a bit weird, painful feeling. Best description on how the visit is like a inspection at the dentist. I also felt a bit weird after they cleaned the rest of the stuff down there and asked where I'm sensitive and if everything is acting how it should. Generally Chettawut is very nice though and I'm genuinely happy I chose them as a surgeon. Below is a pig on the current healing process

CW: Nudity / Vagina.

July the 2nd:

This is legit just a short update but yes the stories are becoming more and more and the things I can give recommendations on are also becoming more. First off to enjoy dilation more and to have something to look forward to I recommend planning a treat. Something u really like AFTER dilation. Plan a fun activity, plan to get some ice cream or any other snack or activity or generally social treat u can think of. This entices u to get it over with. I found out that once I do it it's kinda like whatever but like before it I always feel slightly lethargic. This is maybe only my experience though. Generally I don't hate dilation, it's actually enjoyable to take a bit of downtime and relax just writing on the phone and watching some videos.

Next off:

Use. Lube. This is not a joke. I go through around 1 tube of lubricant per session, and while that may seem like a lot (each tube has around 50 g) for two dilators (I'm currently on size 0 and size 1) it actually helps a lot with the healing process to dilate with a lot of lube. You don't self-lubricate like your anus does or a cis Women's vagina usually should do. This means if u don't lubricate you're going to potentially cause granular tissue to form. Chettawut also confirmed this with me and told me again: lubrication is key and that I should watch out to not go in from the top but point the dilator slightly down to the bottom. I agree that when I go too high I hit parts of my urethra which then gets irritated if I do it for a longer time again. So generally: Lubrication. Lubrication. Lubrication. Also never force anything down there. If the bigger size doesn't instantly fit all the depth, no need to worry. You want ease yourself into the max depth with each dilatator. So you can for example go your max depth with size 0 (which should always hit maximum depth otherwise you're risking depth loss) but reduce your depth with the size one by like 0.5 - 1 inch to make it more comfortable if it hurts a lot to go too deep. Also what helped me a lot too initially, I think, was using numbing gel for the first week of doing this. Now I don't use it anymore and I don't think I need it anymore. Other than that… walking is becoming strikingly easier and I might just go for a walk tomorrow morning to get my legs moving a bit again. Anyway I just feel like I wanted to note this down. These are my personal opinions but Chettawut seems to agree that lube and like going slow and being careful and listening to your body and your pain is important. If something hurts during dilation something may be off and u should talk to a nurse. Use google translate if u can't explain the feeling to help bridge the language gap but generally the nurses here were understanding if I needed a minute to relax during dilation. Hope this helped, best of love. Dawn

July the 3rd:

I just went outside and regret it deeply. It's really hot outside and generally just uncomfortably hot. I legit felt like I can't breathe and when I got back to my room I looked like I run a marathon. Walked for around 20-30 minutes and that went okay, even though my stiches got a bit stretched and I wouldn't have been able to go a lot further. Also my card got denied at the KFC I walked to. Not sure why but it didn't even seem to even try to deduct money from it cause I couldn't see the statement (Might be because it's a Mastercard Debit card nor Credit Card?). Weird but I just ordered food via the app once I got back which is okay I guess. Also, apart from that the 7-11 is a good walk away but easily doable once you're recovered a bit, just don't expect to not take a small walk outside once you're there cause like OH BOI it's hot. Also small note: healing on certain edges may seem really white. That's normal it's called moist wound healing (please don't google it if you're squeamish) which is actually not a bad thing. The moist environment helps the wound heal and generally it just provides a protective environment and makes sure you have minimal scarring after. Which is preferable. The white stuff is normal. Don't worry.

July the 7rd:

I'm leaving the day after tomorrow and I'm kind of excited to be home in 3 days but also I think rightfully scared a bit. I feel a lot worse today. For some reason it feels like my balls are being pulled out of my body right now. I know that I don't have balls anymore so that's impossible since the ducts don't exist but like it just feels like someone is tugging on them, pulling them out. Potentially it's some nerves reconnecting or something but I have to say this is probably the worst pain I've had. I also kept passing out all day from like 5pm from that pain. I don't know but I'm awake now and feel a bit better, though still am tired. I can't wait to get back home and recover in a familiar environment with people I know. I also kind of look forward to being in a country that I speak the language of again. Even though I love it here, the language barrier kind of gets annoying after a while since u don't have anyone where u can just "shut off your brain" with while talking to IRL. Talking to people online here is probably one of the few things that kept me sane but I still wish I didn't go here alone. But if you're doing it alone, enjoy your time. Order some nice food in n shit. Like legit I think that it's doable but like it's just going to be a bit harder. Even though I'm in pain I don't regret this. Also things like applying pads and shit are getting bothersome at this point. I also wish I brought some t-shirts since just wearing tank tops is getting annoying. I know that my posts / texts here have been irregular n stuff and I hope that's understandable. Also I ordered food really late today which worked out fine btw. Regarding not writing too regularly anymore it's just because I had some stomach pains. I'll update this document with further recovery shit if I see the need to add something or add some thoughts. Also something I figured out here which is probably cause I’m in a room with my own thoughts and nothing to do but watch videos is realize that I should look more into my gender expression and explore it more. I'm transfem and that's one thing I'm sure of now though but I want to separate my gender identity and expression more. I also have way too much time on my hand to think about racism in our society n shit and my career in the future. I think I want to look into Switching my careers to psychology in the next few years. Being stuck here made me realize that I don't care for technology and software development not nearly enough as I used to and I don't want to end up working in a career that's basically a dying hobby. Also I think the hobby is dying cause it became a career making it hard to like focus on it as "just a hobby" and always feel like work. But I'm rambling again. I hope you all have a nice evening. I'ma try to sleep a bit more :)

July the 10th:

I left yesterday to head back home. I'm currently almost landing in Vienna and I have to say that the flight is very uncomfortable. The pillow helps a lot but sitting this long hurts the stitching in my crotch a lot. Can’t find a comfortable way to sit either. But I'm soon going to be home (only a few hours left) so I'm not too worried. Its just generally one of the harder days. I think another problem was also me forgetting to take some painkillers with me on the plane.

July the 10th:

Dawn here about 6 months later / Post Surgery. First off everything healed fine, but I do still have random pain which is nerve pain and nerves reconnecting. I'm not taking any pain medication at the moment and sadly the meds for the nerve pain made me sick (tried some recently) so I still gotta find some that work for me. I've traveled a bunch after leaving (went to the US once) and recovery went fine. I do still have some random bleeding sometimes but I feel like it's mostly from like wiping too much after using the toilet. Overall there was one major post-surgery accident which made a healing site pop which was because I did bouldering 2 months post-surgery (which tbf is kinda my fault ^^). Also had some issues sizing up to the size 3 Dialator. I bought some dialator from another place to work myself up to the size 3 and that worked wonders. Also can easily orgasm and having sex with toys feels good (can't talk about other stuff). I can't use stuff like a want cause it makes my surgical site still hurt quite a lot (where the hair follicles are). Hope this helped everyone with making a decision of if to go with Chettawut, do surgery, etc.